Dirty Little Column



Dear DLC:  So I just found out that the girl I’ve been seeing for three months ran a background check on me before we went out the first time.  I feel violated and offended.  Why would she do that?

DGL: I wasn’t aware that this sort of thing was available for the common person. Where can I sign up? Seriously, if I could have background checked a few of my exes, I’d have been a happier guy (although I suppose I would have gotten laid less often).  I mean, think back a few years, don’t you wish you had a little background info about a few of those girls before you got involved with them?  I’ll bet you do. Think about the crazy one, the stalker?  We’ve all gone out with them…and we all wish we hadn’t in hindsight.  I’ll admit that it feels a little creepy when a girlfriend knows more about you than your doctor, but the fact that you’re still seeing her means your deepest darkest secrets are still safe…or she’s just too kinky to care.

DTL:  Well, you know, in this day and age it pays to be careful. Obviously she didn’t find anything that scared her off since you’ve been dating for three months now.  If you’re so bothered by it why don’t you run one on her?  After all, turnabout is fair play.

Dear DLC:  My girlfriend and I were sleeping last night and she woke me up – by yelling out another guy’s name!  And not just any name, but one of our friends. I know she was talking in her sleep, but what the hell?

DGL:  Ok, first thing’s first: you never know what she’s dreaming about.  Her scream could have been ecstasy, but it could just have easily been horror, humor or brain fart.  I used to see a girl who talked in her sleep. She would say the craziest stuff when she was asleep. I used to try to have conversations with her, but it was just useless.

What’s the point?  No meaning, no point.  You can’t count on any meaning and you definitely can’t count on her remembering any of it the next morning.

DTL:  Excuse me while I pick myself up off the floor, but I find that beyond funny. Did she wake herself up yelling his name or did she just do a ‘shout out’ and then roll over and do whatever she was doing in her sleep that would make her scream his name.  Oh wait, you didn’t say scream, did you?  Sorry about that.  I really don’t think it’s a big deal.  I mean, c’mon, we all have dreams – some of them really, really, good –but that doesn’t mean she was having ‘that’ kind of dream, maybe she was dreaming that he was walking across the street and she was just trying to warn him.  OK, I don’t buy it either.  But seriously, let it go unless it happens on a regular basis and then ask her about it.  Who knows, maybe you’ll both get a laugh over it.

DLC Question for YOU:  Please write in your best answer to the following.

“After a hookup, I don’t want them to spend the night. How do I tell them to leave without sounding like a bad person or a whore?”

Send answers to southcoloradannews@gmail.com

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