Dear DLC: Please help me figure out what to do about my girlfriend. I like her and all, but good Lord–first, she’s always asking me if I love her. I believe in honesty, so I always tell her no, I just think she’s super-hot and that I love to have sex with her, and that the sex makes everything else about her tolerable. But even that’s not so true any more. Sure, she still has a great body, but in addition to the constant pestering about the “love” thing, the sex is becoming a little…predictable. Nothing that your average priest would not approve of (except for the birth-control thing and the fact that we’re not married). For example, as I sit here typing I try to recall whether she parts her hair, if you know what I mean, and I just can’t remember. And if I so much as show her the schoolgirl dress and the Board of Education and suggest bending her over the table she just looks at me like I’m from Planet Pervo. So I’m thinking about moving on. I probably would have left her already if she weren’t so hot. I just don’t know which would be better, a little variety with maybe a 7, or the same-old same-old with a 10. What do you think?
DGL: Here’s what I’m saying: you’re in college. In 30 years, when you’re laying in bed with your wife, kids down the hall (best case scenario), thinking about all the girlfriends you ever had, you’re not going to wonder if you loved this girl – you’re going to be thinking about how lucky you were to have had so much sex with such a hot girl for a while in college. And don’t even worry if its sort of lame sex, Future You will remember (and tell your Future You friends) it as awesome. What I mean to say is that there’s plenty of time to settle down, to fall in love. For the moment, you’re having sex with a really hot girl. You may never have a chance to have sex with another girl as hot as this one. Live it up.
DTL: Dear Torn, My first instinct is to tell you to kick the 10 to the curve and find a 7. Seriously, which is better, vanilla sex with a 10 or dress ‘em up, lay ‘em out, use the furniture creatively kind of sex? I personally vote for option two. On the other hand, another part of me that says you have a good thing going, perhaps if you keep pushing her buttons (if you know what I mean) she may actually give the schoolgirl uniform and the table a go. If you can put up with the whiny “do you love me crap” I suggest hanging on awhile longer and see where it goes, at least you’re getting some in the meantime.
Dear DLC: Maybe I’m just jaded, but when I read a column titled “The Paw Print’s Dirty Little Secret Column” I expect to read dirty little secrets, not treacly teen angst like “I want to ask her out but I’m not good at rejection” and “I think he’s seeing someone else, oh dear whatever shall I do.” Adams State is enough like high school as it is. Anyway, what I want to know is why is everyone around here so vanilla? Isn’t anyone around here weird? I don’t mean “I’m saving myself for marriage” weird, I mean “Goth chicks who fantasize about spanking their sister” weird. Doesn’t anyone around here have any imagination?
Signed, Bored with the DLC
DGL and DTL: You know, we couldn’t agree more. BRING IT ON! Next year we expect more from you ASC – send your questions to pawprint.adams.edu
**Dr. Goodlove and Professor Toughlove are not real doctors or mental health professionals. Their advice should not be taken seriously.
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