ASU’s Dirty Little Column with Doitright and the Don

Dear DLC, Can long distant relationships work? My boyfriend lives in New York and I am here in Alamosa. We met this past summer at a convention in Baltimore and we’ve been inseparable since. My problem is the distance. Although we keep our relationship going on Skype, ooVoo, Facebook and texting, I still have a feeling that it’s just not enough. Sometimes when I call his phone and he does not pick up I’m always wondering if he’s with another woman.

I have friends who attends the same college he does, so when I call them to find out where he is and they say they haven’t seen him I get all torn inside. I’d get so angry and confused that I’d wonder around campus like a nomad. Do you think I’m over reacting?

He first told me he loved me the first week of September and I was super duper happy to hear him say it. Like, I love him too but he never seemed to be the type to embrace such a feeling. Sometimes we fall asleep on Skype and I’d like totally feel free and happy when I wake up and see him there. It’s like I’m living in a fairy’s world and my knight has sent me a love letter from the war. It’s always so magical when I hear from him but my fear is that I may not be able to get that physical attention I need, we may never be in the same room to disagree on something enough to physically fix it. My grand parents always say some things cannot be fixed if the problem is not sitting in the same room as the fire and the igniter, but they maybe wrong; we might be able to fix things over the phone or the internet. My fears have become more and more terrifying. What can I do?

Dr. Doitright: You are taking a risk by dating someone that lives all the way in New York and just meeting him a few months ago makes it even more risky. I’ve spoken with many successful couples that started out on a long-distance basis and they all testified that the journey was a bit bumpy. But they also verified that it can work if both parties wants it to. You seem to have a regular foundation laid there but just so you know, don’t take anything for granted. Early in any relationship, people tend to feel the same confusion and fear that you are feeling right now but it does not hurt if you give it a shot. Sometimes we have to take risks in life if we want to move forward. Think about it; remember, if you don’t try, you’ll never know how winning/losing feels and you’ll never know how to move forward from what you’ve experienced.

Don Juan: Long distance relationships are hard, but not impossible. Trust is the key to a long-distance relationship. If you don’t trust him or have doubts about him seeing somebody, then you both really need to talk about this the next time you see each other because nobody like a cheat. Another thing that can make long-distance hard is when one person doesn’t have you as an equal priority. You should know that it takes two people to keep a long-distance relationship going, and if they can’t promise you that you’ll have equal attention then I don’t think it would be worth it to waste your time anymore.

It’s hard to say whether or not they really love you because you may have different views of what love is. There is a difference between caring about someone and giving your life to them. The physical will always be great especially if you have not seen the person in a long time, but the emotionally must always be there. If you feel like this person can make you happy when you are sad it shouldn’t matter whether he’s there or not. If he can, then you have a great guy and don’t let him go for anything, if he can’t then you should really begin to look at what really makes you happy in life. Don’t worry about not being able to be there when times are hard, every relationship has troubles, you just have to know how to overcome them together.