Dr. Doitright and Don Juan are not real doctors or mental health professionals. The doctors’ advice should not be taken seriously.
I am new to Adams State and extremely excited to be here. I read your column for the first time last week and liked it. I am writing to you about some problems I am having with my housemate who happens to be a “friend with lots of benefits.”
She is about 5’ 6” tall, thick in the waist and a nice rise on her chest; I really love the benefits she brings. My problem is that she is becoming too clingy. Whenever I get a text message she always wants to read them, and after she reads them, she nags me about it, a lot. I don’t know what to do. I can’t even have female friends over again and we’ve only lived together for 9 months, 6 of which as “beneficial friends.” She is 34 and I am 21 so I am wondering if she’s playing the cougar/wife role, but if she is, I am definitely not rowing in her boat.
She has a man who is like 55 years old but he lives three states away. When he calls, sometimes I’d be receiving a bonus on my benefit and it only makes the experience more exciting. But oh boy, would you believe that she wants me to walk her to classes, follow her to the store and even do laundry. That’s so funny because I don’t even do my own laundry (I send them home to my wonderful mom). Whenever I don’t do as she pleases she tells me I will have my benefits deducted. Please, advise me as best as you can because I really don’t want to lose my benefits.
Dr.Doitright: You seem to be a very giddy young man and you will do anything to continue receiving these benefits you speak of. But you must ask yourself, is it worth it? You are only 21years old and you are already living with a woman who is supplying you with the things you think you need. But I have news for you young blood; your benefits will run out sooner than you think because you will soon realize that you are pinned in a position that you can’t get out of. Also, you will soon get tired of the ‘benefits’ and will soon find a younger and more long-lasting beneficial structure.
For now, be careful with the benefits you receive and find out what you really want out of your life. This will help you make the right decision.
Don Juan: Sounds like you are enjoying the life of a real Don Juan. But you are soon realizing that living with your gallina only makes the friends with benefits scenario stressful and a responsibility. If your family or yourself is wealthy, consider buying your gallina a nice apartment so she can be available as you see fit while still giving you your independence.
If she is unwilling to leave your side then put her out of the coop, there are many more clucking about.
I rejoiced when I found that the campus’ paper has a column like yours because I have a serious problem. I was once a regular attendee to church here in Alamosa but I don’t go as regular anymore. My pastor asked me to visit him and his family one evening but when I got there, to my surprise, it was only the pastor who was home. So I asked him where his family was and he told me they left for the weekend. I told him that we could do this another time but he said, “No my sweet child, we will do this now.” I became very nervous because my pastor has never spoken to me or anyone in that tone before and because he looks a bit like Brad Pitt I felt a tingle between my legs. I am so sorry. I know this is wrong but 
I couldn’t resist. My pastor brought me to his wife’s room and we made good use of her bed. I feel so dirty. Oh my my my. I am really happy I can talk to you about this because if I tell my friends or church members it will only create boundless chaos. What should I do? The pastor and I are still doing our business when the family leaves and he often tells the deacons that he has sessions with me because I am troubled. He says he does this to cover it all up but I feel so bad that he doesn’t want to show me off.
Dr.Doitright: My child, I refuse to touch this topic but I will advise you to read deeper into the bible as you will definitely find the true answers there. Just so you know, you are both wrong; the pastor is married and not only that, he is a pastor. He should not be doing such devious acts and you should have never condoned with his deceit. I assume you would want your own family in the future so how would you feel if your husband is doing the same as the pastor is doing right now? Don’t be fooled by a little attention. What are you going to do when the pastor finds another sister to make “good use” of his wife’s bed? If you believe in the Lord and want to live by his word, then you should know that what you are doing is sinfully wrong. Please seek the Lord in prayer.
Don Juan: You religious types are so amusing, so pure yet so naughty. I say that you enjoy your Brad Pitt/preacher fantasy while it lasts. When his wife finds out be careful, these religious types usually have guns in the house and are willing to use them, epically on the reincarnation of Eve. Also, you may consider taking steps to protect yourself finically when the affair does end. For example, try blackmailing the preacher or gain access to his bank accounts.
Nothing like our own little bit of 4chan here at ASU. Completely made-up sexual fantasy stories gracing the student newspaper. Not to bash free speech or anything but this is a waste of ink and is starting to get a little offensive. Tone it back, maybe?
We apologize that you feel this is offensive, and your comment has been passed on to the appropriate party. We hope that you’ll read next week’s article and let us know your thoughts on that as well.
Nice attack on Christians. I realize this is to be sarcastic, but I dare you to put Islam in there and see what comes your way – it won’t be pretty if yesterday and today’s attacks are any indications.
We are sorry that you feel this way, for we weren’t trying to offend any parties.