Dr. Chocolate Thunder and Professor Vanilla Lightning are not real doctors or mental healt professionals. Their advice should not be taken seriously.
Dear DLC, I’ve been talking to 2 guys; just talking and now both of them think we’re officially dating. I don’t want to break their hearts but what do I do?
VL: First off, you need to stop being such a little tease. You are messing with college boy’s emotions, and that can only end in tears or cold showers. What you’ve got to do is pull the famous, “I think we’re moving too fast and I don’t know if I’m ready for a relationship” line. For next time, you need to analyze what exactly made these boys think they were in a relationship with you. The fact that you’ve got two boys thoroughly convinced you’re their one and only tells me that its something you’re doing to make them think that. Avoid words like “love,” “forever,” “always” or “one and only” and instead heavily drop words like “friends,” “acquaintances,” and “Oh, him? Yeah, like THAT will ever happen.”
CT: Well your stuck in quite the little pickle. This campus is super small so how you would get away with it beats the hell out of me. I know you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or break their little hearts, but honestly it looks like you have no other choice. Use common break up lines like “it’s not you, it’s me” or “my horoscope says I need to be single right now, and I always listen to my guiding stars.” Or you could go with the option of them dumping you. Start by calling every hour to see what he’s doing, interrupt his sport watching to ask him questions about clothes, and hold out on sex. Believe me he’ll be out of there faster than a speeding bullet.
Dear DLC, I met this older guy at a party. He seemed interested and he gave me his business card. What does this mean?
CT: Well what’s with this question? He gave you his number; he gave you his business card. You have his number, his email, his place of work and his title. He’s basically saying, “Hey, come stalk me.” Not because he wants to be stalked, but because after barley meeting you he trusts that you are not a stalker. Also he wants to show you that he has a job, at a valid place of business. Showing to you how well together his life is, in order to impress you. So let him do just that.
VL: It means this guy has access to Microsoft Publisher and a printer. That’s it. I mean if he were legitimately in business where he needed to keep business cards handy, he wouldn’t be giving out his card at parties to college girls. My guess is that he’s either unemployed or works as the assistant manager at a fast food joint in town. Avoid calling this guy at all cost, because it will only end in disappointment for you.
Dear DLC, One of my best friends has a twin sister. Recently, we’ve been going out and this has my friend very weirded out. I never had a problem with how much they look alike until he brought it up. Now, I can’t help but think there’s something wrong with dating someone who looks EXACTLY like my friend. What do I do?
VL: If you thought you’d get some sympathy from the good doctors, you are wrong, because the fact is that there is something seriously wrong with that. It’s time you admit to your feelings for this friend and stop toying with his sister’s emotions in your quest for his love. I would personally be very creeped out if I were your friend, so my advice would be to just cut this thing with his sister short before things get any more Jerry Springer worthy.
CT: I’m not going to lie; I don’t think I would be able to make out with a girl who looked like my best guy friend. And if you can do this, the more power to you. If you’re comfortable with it and genuinely care about his twin sister, then let him know. Just explain to him that although it might freak him out you really like his sister and you don’t want it to interfere with your friendship. Tell him that he’s important to you and that you still follow the golden rule: “Bros before Hoes” but you may want to reword it, I’m assuming he might get a little offended and you could end up with a black eye if you refer to his sister as a hoe.