Dr. Chocolate Thunder and Professor Vanilla Lightning are not real doctors or mental health professionals. Their advice should not be taken seriously.
Dear DLC, I have been hooking up and developing feelings for this girl “Gabriella” and recently I found out she has a boyfriend, should I tell him about his lying girlfriend’s sneaky ways or keep my mouth shut?
CT: Women are sneaky little devils, and are always portrayed as sweet little innocent gals, so yes I think you should let the boyfriend know because by crushing her you not only win, but also it may help you get over her. I mean why let her continue to get away with being a liar and a cheater. Do not waste anymore of your time on some dumb broad.
VL: You have found yourself in a horrible situation, but don’t think that makes you directly responsible for fixing it. Now this cheater needs to be brought to light, and chances are that eventually she will be revealed. However, if you’re more of a hands-on type, or simply want the self-satisfaction of revenge, feel free to enlighten “Gabriella’s” boyfriend. My advice is that you keep it discreet. You do not want the wrath of an angry cheated-on boyfriend coming down on you. I’m thinking anonymous letter, or maybe you can come up with something a little more creative, as long as it can’t be traced back to you, you’re golden.
Dear DLC, since I have started college I have become more sexually active. I have been safe and carry my own condoms but I want to get on birth control. Do my parents have to know if I make this decision?
VL: You are an adult. Your parents don’t need to know every detail of your life. I mean, you probably don’t call them and tell them that you’re sleeping with all of these guys, right? I guess you could be in one of those very open families, but then you wouldn’t be writing in to us. You are just demonstrating responsibility. You already are “sleeping around” and so I’m not going to play daddy and tell you not to. Birth control is a good idea, and you shouldn’t let the minor road bump of your parents finding out you’re taking it detour you. You can get it without them ever knowing, you’ll be protected; they’ll still think you’re an angel, and everybody wins.
CT: I think it would be a good idea to tell your parents at least one of them like your mother maybe. I only tell you this because if you are on your family’s health insurance you could get birth control for free or at a lower price. However, if you want your privacy there is a planned parenthood located in Alamosa and they will be completely private with all your information give them and call and find out about how they can help you (719) 589-4906.
Dear DLC, I have known that my girlfriend has a twitter account and that she updates it often. I didn’t know that she updates a play by play of our relationship what do I do?
VL: I am pretty sure I follow your girl on twitter, and you two have WAY more problems than just her twittering her life away. But on a serious note, you need to tell your lady that you are not comfortable with her twitter being a play by play of your relationship. If she doesn’t get the hint via oral communication, try tweeting about it. At the very least have her set her twitter to private. No one’s life needs to be posted up on the web for all to see. If it makes you feel any better, hardly anyone in Alamosa is on twitter anyway, if she had been posting all of this on facebook, that would be an entirely different story. What your lady is really looking for is an outlet to get all her estrogen-filled emotions out (because God forbid they remain safely inside her head) so buy her a diary, or if you are really desperate, listen to her (only if you are really, really desperate.)
CT: Your girl sounds like a crazy lady, the kind of crazy that stalks your every move and watches you as you sleep my advice is run. Okay, all jokes aside my colleague is right not many people around this area have a twitter accountant anyways so you should be fine, but sit her down and have a talk. Tell her that you are not comfortable sharing your’s and her’s most intimate relationship details over the World Wide Web. Let her know that the things that go on between you and her should only be between you and her and not for the world to read. Be careful though she might tweet about the whole conversation.
Dear DLC, My new guy is well endowed and I’m pretty nervous about it, I’m worried he might break me in half, what do I do?
VL: Congratulations, you lucky girl. Why are you complaining and not out there enjoying your man’s gracious plenty to offer? I understand it is a bit intimidating, but it is my medical opinion that while you might come out of a hook-up sore and walk with a slight limp, there is no possible way he will break you in half. Ease into it, and let your man know that it is probably going to take you some time and patience. (This guy made you write into us, am I right? Regardless, you just presented an opportunity for guys all around campus to say, “Yeah, this was written about me.” So on their behalf, I thank you.)
CT: What medication is your boy taking, and where can I get a bottle? Well at first you may encounter some pain and discomfort you should be fine, just tell him to go slow and be sure to lube up!