Dr. Chocolate Thunder and Professor Vanilla Lightning are not real doctors or mental health professionals. Their advice should not be taken seriously.
Dear DLC, So lately I have been hooking up with this girl and she has a huge bush. It really bothers me that every time I go down there I feel like I’m touching a brillo pad. But honestly that’s not even the biggest problem. There is also a distinct odor that originates from her private area. Let’s just say it smells like a Japanese fish market. How do I get her to tidy up her lady parts? Please help!
VL: First of all, let me just say I feel for you. You put in all that work into getting some, and your lady is less than well kept. However, there is good news in store for you. In my experience with college females, they are extremely willing to please. They’re so desperate for ‘love’ that they are willing to do whatever to please you. Keep in mind that the other thing I know about college girls is that they are extremely sensitive, so handle this subject with care. Leaving some razors and a bottle of summer’s eve in her dorm isn’t going to fly. Mention how much you love the DLC, and maybe reading this will get her to think, “Hmmm…this girl sounds a lot like me. I should start taking care of myself.” If not, she doesn’t seem too bright anyway. Also, I have some advice to the ladies: Clean yourselves up. I realize there is that feminist belief that by guys wanting you to be neat and tidy down south, they are somehow degrading you, but come on. You wouldn’t appreciate if a guy was overgrown and smelly, so why are you exempt from being hygenic? This could have been written about YOU, so get your act together.
CT: Seems like your stuck in a “hairy” situation….literally. I can imagine your pain the excess hair and stitch would be a turn off for any guy out there. I agree with my colleague, college freshmen girls are extremely desperate and will do any thing to keep you around as long as they can. So instead of flat out telling her to trim it down and take a douche, trying making little comments. For example “I like when your complete bare down there” or when your at the store pick up a feminine hygiene product and be like I love the way this smells. Small little things like this and she should get the hint.
Dear DLC, my boyfriend and me recently decided to start having sex, but the problem is that when it came to receiving “packages” he kind of got the short end of the stick, the very short end of the stick. Well when we are together it feels like I am just lying there while a Q-tip is being put inside me. I’m not the kind of girl who is going to cheat and I really like him so what can I do about the incredible shrinking manhood?
CT: It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion in the ocean and obviously you like the guy so this shouldn’t really be a problem and all though his “equipment” is on the smaller side it shouldn’t be the cause of a break up. There are lots of ways he can satisfy you oral, foreplay, and positions that help hit the right spots. If you leave him because of his size problems then you obviously don’t care about him and you’re shallow. And please don’t go around telling everyone of his problem, it’ll hurt both his pride and his feelings.
VL: Leave him. Date an extra padded Q-tip. Its twice the pleasure, none of the problems. See, while your boyfriend has an exiguity problem, you have an exaggeration problem. My advice is, if you really like this guy, make it work. You think your guy is the first to have this problem? Think again, there are many others out there, which means there are methods of helping the two of you out, and solutions already at your disposal. (Hint: It’s all about the angles.) I’m not promising an instant gratification, but even a Q tip can hit the right buttons, it just takes a little more trying. Make the effort to make the sex good. I mean, would you date a guy solely for the reason that he was blessed in the package department? So why leave a good guy because he wasn’t? (If you answered yes, well then do the poor guys a favor and take my previous advice and leave him, you whore.)
Dear DLC, I have a huge crush on one of my good friends; she is a real sweet girl. The only problem is she has recently been hooking up the campus manwhore, and worse she doesn’t know about how much he gets around. What do I do?
VL: Stop kidding yourself. Your girl knows this guy has a reputation. I mean, come on, it’s a small campus. I understand your need to delude yourself into thinking your precious girlfriend is so innocent and wouldn’t dare get with this guy if she only knew, that he must be the bad guy corrupting her mind with promises of love, but its time to give up. You’re a college student now, its time you wake up and realize that this girl is well aware of her new boy toy’s promiscuous extracurricular, and guess what? She could care less. It’s that whole nice-girl/total-douche bag attraction that I can’t even begin to understand, let alone explain to you. So move on. I’m sorry, it hurts, and you’ll probably spend a few nights lying awake at night crying over her, but that’s life. If it makes you feel better, she probably caught something from him, so in her mind, he’ll forever be a huge regret from her crazy college years that flares up every once in a while.
CT: Ah sweet girls and douche bags, it’s a combination I see often. She isn’t going to listen to you so telling her won’t help. He is probably charming her, and she is to swept up in his promises to even care about his player ways. Most likely she knows about how much he gets around, but she thinks she can change him and make him faithful. My advice, get over it and move on. Let her live in her temporary bliss and get your self out there. I’m sure she’ll realize how much she regrets it when she sees you happily involved with someone else, and she is shopping for herpes cream.