Motivation, Hope Can Come from Unlikely Sources

Kristopher Rodgers
The Paw Print

“Procrastination is like masturbation; it feels good at first, but in the end you’re only screwing yourself.” ~ Author unknown

I have some major issues with procrastination. I can never find the motivation to do my work until right before it is due. For example, I should have written this column weeks ago. Right now I am also procrastinating on several other essays I should have already written.
I think that my problem might be rooted in depression. Sometimes I get so depressed here that I feel like I shouldn’t even bother doing the work. If I fail my classes, I will have to leave college. Most of the time, this option doesn’t sound all that bad to me.
The only reason I haven’t dropped out yet is because of what awaits me outside of college. If I dropped out, I would most likely go home, work for my stepfather, and spend most of my time alone, with no friends. As it is, I spend nearly all of my free time alone, and the friends I have I hate. I hate them because when I’m alone, I look around and ask myself, “Where are all of those people who call themselves my friends?”
I didn’t always have problems with procrastination, well, at least not for the last three years of high school. I was on Adderall, an ADHD medication. It is also an amphetamine. Because it’s an amphetamine, and because I have a history of drug abuse, my parents did not want me on it. I have been prescribed many medications for ADHD, but Adderall is the only one that has ever helped me more than it hurt me.
There are only three medications for ADHD that are not Schedule II controlled substances. I’ve been on two of them and the other doesn’t sound promising.
Adderall did a lot more for me than just increase my ability to concentrate. It freed me of my insecurities and it made me no longer fear being myself, but most importantly, it made me feel like I have a reason for being alive.
I remember before I was on Adderall I felt almost the exact same way I feel now. I feel like I have no reason or purpose to keep on living, and that I’m destined to be miserable for as long as I live. This may seem a little off topic, but there is a point to it. I feel like I have absolutely no reason for being back at college.
What is the point of bothering to do the work when I have no reason for doing the work? That’s what separates me from most of the college students I know. They all have reasons for being here. They have goals, dreams, and aspirations. I don’t have any of that. I sometimes sit down and ask myself what I need to be happy.
Through all my pondering, I haven’t come up with a damned thing. The closest things I can think of are drugs, because I just want to feel numb, I just want to stop feeling like crap. I’m doing as well as I am in my classes for only one reason.
If I fail my classes I have to go work construction outdoors in the harsh Creede winters.  I’ve done it before, so I know that it sucks.I’m not even sure how many weeks late this paper is anymore, but it seems to be a fitting example of procrastination.  I have some major problems with procrastination. All I know is that if I’m going to stay in school, I’ve got to solve those problems.

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