Dirty Little Column April 15

Dear DLC:  I just found out that my ex-boyfriend has been going around telling everyone that I have an STD so that no one will go out with me anymore.  What an A-hole!  What do I do? 

DTL: Let me just say that I absolutely agree, what an A-hole!  Hopefully you have some really good friends who are willing to stick up for you and tell him where to go.  I’d like to tell you to be the better person and let it go, but really, truly I think you should track him down in a dark alley and…um, never mind.  I don’t want to get into trouble publicly. Just remember, what comes around goes around, he’ll get his soon enough.

DGL:  You are right, what an A-hole.  Clearly he’s upset about breaking up with you, clearly he has boundary issues, and he also seems pretty possessive.  Here’s what you do.  Go talk to him in private. Tell him that you know what he’s been saying and unless he fixes it (by which I mean tells everyone that you DON’T have an STD) you’ll go and tell everyone that he’s got a really small penis, or that he’s a premature ejaculator, or has some screwy fetish or something.  Then, if he doesn’t fix it, follow through with his best girl friends. See how long it takes before he fesses up.

Dear DLC:  I love him and he “loves” me back, but he has girlfriend, does he really love me?

DGL:  No.  OK, let me back away from that for a sec: probably not.  I mean, I’ve heard about these polygamists who think that they can love a bunch of partners at once.  I don’t have any evidence to either support or rebut that idea but frankly I don’t buy it.  Being in a relationship with a person should be a sort of all-consuming, desperate, kind of soul-crushing experience.  I’ve never been able to love more than one partner at the same time. That doesn’t mean I couldn’t date more than one person at once but to me love is something else.  Ok, I was right. Refer to my original answer.

DTL:   Are you smoking crack?  Read carefully:  NO, he does not love you.  Not that you’re not lovable, I’m sure you’re an absolutely wonderful lovable person.  But seriously, get a clue.  Or counseling. Or both.  Tell the guy to take a hike and find someone who is willing to treat you the way you deserve.

**Dr. Goodlove and Professor Toughlove are not real doctors or mental health professionals. Their advice should not be taken seriously.

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