ASC’s Dirty Little Colun with the Delicious Doctors Love

Dr. Chocolate Thunder and Professor Vanilla Lightning are not real doctors or mental health professionals. Their advice should not be taken seriously.**

Dear prudent and perverted readers, if you’re looking for something to take your mind off of Finals, shoot the DLC a holiday-themed question. Maybe you got extra-special treatment from the creeper in the Santa suit, maybe your gift of fur-covered handcuffs didn’t go over too well at your girlfriend’s family gift exchange. No matter your Christmas query, the doctors are here to help! (Please note: the DLC does not discriminate against other holidays. All of your Hanukkah and Kwanzaa sex/love/relationship questions are welcome as well!)

Dear DLC, I was wondering if you have any advice for living with a roommate of the opposite sex. I’m a girl and will soon be living with a guy. A lot of people are telling me they think we’ll hook up, etc. but I think that would be really weird. I want to ensure that we keep our roommate relationship totally platonic and happy, so what’s the easiest way to tell him that I’m not interested in being anything but roommates and friends?

CT: Probably the easiest way to tell him that you’re not interested in being anything but roommates and friends is to say “Hey, I don’t want us to be anything but friends.” But seriously, just don’t get into the “mixed signals” department. Make sure you’re body language isn’t sending a different message than you’re intending him to receive. If you tend to be flirty or touchy-feely with guys, make a serious effort NOT to do so with this guy. Have guys over, talk about your boyfriends, and treat him like one of your girlfriends — unless you have a tendency to make out with your girlfriends. But remember, horny desperate guys will interpret anything you say or anything you do to mean “maybe she’s interested in me”. Try to stay away from comments like “wow, I wish I could find a guy like you” or “wow, you look really good tonight”. You don’t want this guy mistakenly thinking he makes you hotter than your the stash of naked Tom Brady photos you keep under your bed.

VL:  The best way to handle this, is to be straight with him from the time you unpack your things, so you don’t have to re-pack them sooner than planned.  Although the “I don’t want to hook-up” talk is painful, its necessary for a happy home.  You might be pleasantly surprised, most guys won’t be into hooking up with a co-dweller as its a recipe for awkwardness, hurt feelings, and ultimately disaster.  Just
continue to keep things platonic, and you two are on to a beautiful cohabitation.

Dear DLC, Why is my girlfriend so clingy and weird? Seriously!
Surprisingly, dude, we don’t actually know your girlfriend. I know, shocker, right? You’ve given virtually no details or examples for why you think your girlfriend is a few beers short of a 6-pack, so we’re using your vague question to remind all our readers to PROVIDE DETAILS in all future questions.

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