ASC’s Dirty Little Column with the Delicious Drs. Love

Dr. Chocolate Thunder and Professor Vanilla Lightning are not real doctors or mental health professionals. Their advice should not be taken seriously.

Dear DLC, when I first started dating my current boyfriend, we were very attracted to each other sexually.  We still are, and we have sex a lot.  I enjoy it, but I am afraid that I’ll get worn out or tired of it — or even worse, that my boyfriend will.  Is there such thing as too much of a good thing?
CT: No! Good sex is good sex so just keep at it. I mean if it’s going so well then why even worry about it going bad? It’s a good a thing really; you’ve got a GREAT thing going so just keep it going. If it ever gets boring just find ways to spice it up and you’re golden. You have an amazing thing honey, don’t ruin it with your worries.

VL:  So you’re the kind of girl that’s going to look a gift horse in the mouth?  A prized gift horse that other couples would be extremely grateful to be riding?  Maybe, you should just enjoy your winning combo of sexual attraction and willing libido while it lasts.  Seriously, why worry that the all-inclusive pass to the 24/7 sexcapade will run out?  You’ve got yourself a winning lottery ticket here, girl, so sit have to take out.  The sad truth is that, yes, eventually your sex drives will plummet.  It’s within your power, however, to determine if that’s in a couple of weeks or a couple of years.  When you start to sense that things are getting a little dry, try some new things, like investing in a Kama-Sutra or a little experimentation.  Until then though, stop stressing and you two kids enjoy yourselves.

Dear DLC, I’ve only gone on a date with this guy once and he acts like he’s my boyfriend.   I get constant phone calls, texts, and he gets weirdly jealous when I talk to other guys.  How do I get him to back off?

VL:  If you’ve learned nothing else about clingy males from this column, know this: You cannot be subtle.  The male mind is not capable of picking up on such understated signals; it’s just a fact.  Your best option is direct confrontation.  If you see some potential in this stage 5 clinger and still foster some misguided hope that your relationship can blossom, just pull that “I think we’re moving too fast right now line.”  Tell him to ease up on the phone calls and constant attention.  Tell him that if he wants this to go anywhere, you need your space.  However, if you’re remotely sane and realize that a relationship with this guy is the last thing you should be pursuing, then cut this guy from your life, but handle with care.  You know how that old saying goes: Hell hath no fury like a weird college guy with stalker-like tendencies scorned.

CT: Stage five-clinger! Run! Run! Pack the essentials, and run for dear life! There is no way for you to let this guy down easy. You’re going to have to be totally mean and tell it like it is.  If your remotely nice he’ll mistake this for you having feelings and getting him to back off will only get worse. Don’t worry about sparing his feelings, because being nice and ignoring the situation will only make it worse! If for some reason you still want to hang out with this guy, and I have no idea why you would, take my colleague’s advice and drop him a line to get him to back off.  Trying something like “So I still want to hang out, but I’d like to see other people as well”, or  “I’m not looking for a serious relationship, but I’d still like to get to know you.” Good luck!

Dear DLC, I’m lacking in the size department.  I feel like every time I start to talk to a girl, its not worth it because once she finds out I’m not packing, she’ll bail.  Is this all in my head, or should I just give up?

CT: There is no real advice that I can give you except to either find a girl who really likes you and who looks at sex as way to deeper connect with you, and will not care about the size of your sausage. It’s a good thing you can admit your flaws, now just learn how to work with it. I’m sure you’ll be fine. Good luck.

VL:  First off, I’m glad you’re being honest.  Recognizing you have a problem is the first step toward recovery. This is what you need to do: 1. Find a guy with a smaller penis than you.  (C’mon, we both know you sneak peaks in the shower.)  2.  Research his exes.  3. Date them.  By comparison, you’ll look huge! If you wanted someone to tell you “Its not the size of the boat, its how you use it,” find yourself a girl with daddy issues to coddle you.  I’m going to give it to you straight:  The most you can hope for is to find yourself a girl who likes you enough to overlook the fact that you’re lacking. Oh, and you should probably refine your foreplay skills for when you find that special lady.


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