Dr. Chocolate Thunder and Professor Vanilla Lightning are not real doctors or mental health professionals. Their advice should not be taken seriously.
Dear DLC, My best friend, lets call him “Roy” is a big part of my life. He gets along with my roommates, makes me laugh, and he’s so nice. The problem with Roy is I’ve begun to develop feeling for him. I want to be his girlfriend, but I don’t want to lose him as a friend either. Any advice?
CT: Well Roy sounds like a hell of a catch. It’s always been said that it’s easier to date your best friend, I however don’t believe that’s the case. Once you cross the friendship line into full on relationship it’s going to get complicated. The carefree fun you had before will now feel like there is a ton of pressure on every little thing. My advice is to keep him as your best friend; in the end you’ll enjoying having him there all time, instead of “that boy you used to date.”
VL: Okay, let me give you a little glimpse into the innerworking of the male mind. Within roughly a month of knowing you, guys put you into two categories: friend or relationship material. If you were put into the ‘relationship material’ category, trust me, you would have known and you and Roy would have been well on your way to eternal bliss. Unfortunately, it is extremely obvious that you were categorized as a “friend.” The most you could hope for at this point is to move down the road to be promoted to “best friend” and eventually be one of those annoying friends and call Roy your “brother” and he’ll call you his “sister.” Let go of this naive notion that you’re holding on to, that you two will end up together, because trust me, it can only end in disappointment.
Dear DLC, My girlfriend is very experienced. She is always looking to try a new position or something kinky. The problem is I’m new to the whole sex thing. I feel like I can’t satisfy her what do I do?
VL: You need to suck it up, get back in touch with your manhood and try to muster up enough sexual prowess to satisfy your lady. If you don’t up your game, your girl is going to start looking elsewhere for her sexual needs, and trust me, there’s a huge market for college girls who are “always looking to try a new position or something kinky,” so finding your replacement won’t be an issue for this girl. The good news is that she hasn’t quite given up on you yet. I would be more direct with her, because only she can tell you how exactly to satisfy her in all the right ways.
CT: Actually I taught your girl everything she knows, what a girl. So here’s the deal bro, you’re obviously doing something right since she is still with you. If she really likes you, she is going to be patient. Be more verbal with her, ask her what she likes, have her show you too. In the meantime, watch some porn and read some Cosmo.
Dear DLC, For this Valentine’s day I was a secret admirer. I was really sneaky and she has no idea, I really want to know if she likes me, should I tell her it was me?
CT: I say go for it. Just lay it out there, you never know, she could secretly adore you as well. And if not, life goes on and so do you, to the next lady.
VL: No one got anywhere in life without taking a little risk. Being a secret admirer probably earned you major points because girls just love material things, especially material things that can be flaunted and invoke jealousy from other females. Plus, you added a note of mystery to the whole thing, giving you the perfect set up to woo her. In short, if this girl was ever going to say yes to a date with her, it is going to be now, so take this small window of opportunity that you have, and jump!