ASC’s Dirty Little Column With the Delicious Dr. Love’s

Dr. Choclate Thunder and Professor Vanilla Lightning are not real doctors or mental health professionals. Their advice should not be taken seriously.

Dear DLC, I’ve got a big secret, I’m a virgin. I’m not proud of this at all; in fact I hide it from everybody. Whenever my buddies talk about sex I gladly join in the conversation, even though I have no experience. Everything I know, I’ve learned from Cosmo and porn. Keeping this whole thing a secret is getting harder everyday, should I just admit to my friends the truth?
CT: All right, well first things first, its nice to hear that there are still virgins on campus. It seems lately that nearly every girl is hooking up with someone on the football team or the lacrosse guys are sleeping with any girl possible. So I think you should be proud. Now the decision about telling your buddies is totally up to you, seeing as you’ve been going along with this lie for the past semester, I’d say if you tell them now they will wonder what else you are lying about.  However, coming clean will lift an enormous pressure off you. So think it over, and make a choice. Good luck.
VL:  Okay, so first off you need to figure out why you’ve decided to lie all this time.  Are your roommates the kind of girls who have more tallies than there are faded ‘W’s in your Thursday morning class, and your lack of experience made you feel insecure?  Or did you take the whole I-can-be-a-whole-new-person-when-I-go-to-college thing a little too literally?  All that I can tell you is eventually; you’re going to be outed.  You’re friends are going to get a little too technical with the sex talk and you’ll not be able to keep up, or they’ll become more curious about your sexual past and request names, dates, locations, and male anatomy sizes (Basically, information you don’t have.)  Lies are exhausting to keep up, so do yourself a favor and let the truth set you free.  (But not TOO free, you want to hold on to your V card at least through your freshman year.)
Dear DLC, Recently, my girlfriend decided it would be a good idea to delete me from her Facebook.  We’re still together and I thought we were doing fine, so what exactly does this mean?
VL:  Okay, normally I’d say that Facebook isn’t the world, but to college females age 18-23 it is.  She effectively just deleted you from her life.  I mean, this girl probably still has ex-boyfriends from middle school and girls she doesn’t even like as Facebook friends.  The fact is that she made a conscious decision to remove you from her feed.  I would definitely double check your “doing fine” status, and if in fact you are still together, this girl is trying to hide something from you. Whether that be pictures from last Saturday when she told you she was going to have a “night in” with the girls, or a blossoming relationship with that guy from Psych who she’s sworn up and down is “just a friend.”  Either way, its trouble, and I would strongly advise leaving this girl stat.  As an afterthought though, fabricate a different story for your breakup because if one more couple breaks up because of Facebook problems, I might just lose faith in humanity.
CT: This means, your girlfriend has something to hide. I mean HELLO. Did she also set her accountant to private? I suspect she is posting on other boy’s walls, or else hiding other vital information. Everybody says we shouldn’t make Facebook our lives, but when you’re in college, this social site seems to be the point of everything. Talk to her about, obviously if your not allowed to be her friend on the web, how can you be dating in real life? This woman of your most certainly is hiding something from you. Oh wait, are you the jealous type? Maybe she deleted you because she doesn’t want you to flip if her high school buddies tag her in a post. My advice is talk it out with her and figure it out.
Dear DLC, My roommate is a wild one. I’m talking she has a different guys over every night. I’m pretty sure she has more sex than a porn star. She’s all over the place, the bed, the shower, and even the floor. I don’t mind her high sex drive, I’d just like a good night’s sleep every once in awhile. So how do I tell her without raining on her sex parade?
CT: I’ve heard about your roommate, on the doors of bathroom stalls actually. There are even pictures and a phone number. There is no way to be subtle about this, she is a girl so chances are she is going to be offended and probably flip out at least a little. Whether she is your best buddy or not, she is being rude. Her appetite for sex could be the reason for falling asleep in sociology and failing the class. I mean talk to her about it, she might understand maybe you can suggest taking her activities to the guy’s room or scheduling nights she can have the room to herself. If this problem gets worse, and your fatigue increases, it might be time to change rooms or roommate.
VL:  Subtlety is key.  Casually ask your roommate if she exclusively sleeps with homeless guys.  When you sense her shock and confusion, repeat after me: “Oh, so those guys you bring to the dorm aren’t homeless?  I’m so sorry, I guess I just assumed since they never bring you home, and you always have to bring them here that it was because they didn’t have a place to go. So what is it then, they’re embarrassed of you? Don’t even have the decency to make you eggs in the morning?  Just plain don’t want to wake up to your face?  Just curious…I’ll never make the mistake of thinking you have respect for yourself again.”  I’m sure your roommate will catch on to this underhand approach, and I can guarantee that when you’re being this subtle, she simply can’t get angry over it! (Although legally I cannot guarantee this, you can just trust me.)

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