Dr. Chocolate Thunder and Professor Vanilla Lightning are not real doctors or mental health professionals. Their advice should not be taken seriously.**
If you haven’t heard of the Paw Print’s Dirty Little Column, you’re either new to ASC or have been living under the rock until its recent relocation. In which case, we’re glad you got out. Which brings us to the first question you may have on your mind: Who exactly are we? Unfortunately, that is for us to know, and for you to remain in the dark about. You see, anonymity is kind of our thing. However, you can call us Dr. Chocolate Thunder and Professor Vanilla Lightening.
The better question to be asking yourself is why the lovely people at the Paw Print continue to humor us by giving us space here. The answer to that dear reader is simple: We’re here for you. Our purpose is to aid you through college…in matters of the heart, that is. We’re the Paw Print’s advice column, here to answer all of the love, sex and relationship qualms you may have. After all, lets face it, this stuff is way more important than your education anyway.
You can write to us at DirtyLittleColumn@gmail.com or drop off a note in our box, located in the Haynie Center of the SUB. Keep in mind that our column is always 100% anonymous, and usually pretty insightful!
However, this week, instead of answering questions (since our inbox is a little scanty) we’ve decided to give you 10 pieces of solid advice to help you through the new school year from two people who know their stuff. Enjoy!
10) Do stop going to class dressed up like you’re on America’s Top Model. College is the one time you can dress like a total bum and fit in perfectly with everyone else. So leave the Buckle jeans behind and grab some sweats.
9) Do not try to have a serious, meaningful relationship with a campus athlete. Recent statistics are against it working out in your favor.
8 ) Do not try to date your hook up buddy. If you can’t have sex without getting your emotions involved, then you need a boyfriend not a sex friend. Even if you have heard that one of your pals turned her hook up into a committed relationship, remember she is the exception, not the rule.
7) Do practice genital hygiene. If we get one more “My boyfriend has stanky junk” letter (or vice versa, ladies) we’re appealing that all freshmen have to take a seminar on this, and how awkward would that be? Nobody wants that. Clean it up, please.
6) Do make time for your friends! I know it’s a new school year and your schedule is swamped with classes and work, but never forget to make some time for fun with your besties!
5) Do not attempt to date your professor, it doesn’t not matter how sexy his British accent is. Now I do encourage you to have a sexy little escapade with him, secret hook ups on his desk are hot, but please don’t expect him to be your boyfriend or raise your grade.
4) Go out on weekends, I know its tempting to have a night in to do homework and catch up on sleep, but you can sleep when your dead. There ain’t no rest for the wicked! So live it up and have fun. After all you don’t wanna be the lame kid who missed out on the greatest party of the semester because instead you and your roomie stayed in and watched Jersey Shore reruns!
3) Do use protection. I know by now you’ve heard this enough, but keep in mind that however hard college is right now, it’ll be 20X harder when you have a child…or a constant itch in your pants.
2) Do have fun. If there’s any time to experience new things, experiment with new things, or get just a little wild, it’s your crazy college years.
1) Our final piece of advice is that no matter how ridiculous/insane/intense/embarrassing your love, sex, and relationship troubles may be, the doctors are always here to help and most of the time, know best. So feel free to write in!
**Disclaimer: Any comments made on the Paw Print’s web site are not anonymous. Due to this, any comments are being directed to DirtyLittleColumn@gmail.com.