ASC’s Dirty Little Column with the Delicious Doctors Love

Dr. Chocolate Thunder and Professor Vanilla Lightning are not real doctors or mental health professionals. Their advice should not be taken seriously.**

Dear DLC Readers:  Next week is our Halloween issue, so make sure to send in your scariest and spookiest Halloween sex and relationship questions.  We can’t wait to read them around a campfire and be scarred for life!

Dear DLC, Okay, so I’ve been dating this awesome chick for the past three months. Everything about her is perfect! I even made her a mixed tape. The thing is she’s really into hooking up all over the place! If we are in my room she gets bored.  We’ve pretty much hooked up everywhere on campus from my roommate’s bed, The Climbing Wall in the Rex, the 50-yard line, to the sub!  The next spot is going to be that tree where the bear was.  Anyway I’m starting to run out of ideas. I’m a little worried she will leave me, if we can’t continue this run of sneaky spots.  I have another spot in mind that she is totally into.  So my question is, where is the Paw Print office, or where do you guys print the paper?  Thanks for answering; this will totally buy me a couple more weeks of happiness!

VL:  We are always interested in helping someone who is so genuinely interested in the inner workings of the Paw Print!  The newspaper office is in the Haynie center of the SUB.  Perhaps while you’re in there you could write us a commentary or two? However, the offices of the DLC are much more secretive.  We would buy you a couple more years of happiness with that information.  All I’ve got to say to you pal, is that you should embrace your lady’s adventurous side.  Ninety percent of your peers are having the exact opposite of your problem, dealing with a girl who’s fine with the missionary in your bed night after night. What other guy do you know who has a girl so bold that sex in a tree next to a bear that’s been agitated for the last 24 hours sounds like a good idea? If anything, this girl is going to be the source of all your “crazy college years” stories, so keep those creative juices flowing, and if you ever need more ideas, you know who to ask!

CT: I’m sure there are plenty of places, you have yet to discover on campus. This place of full of cozy little nooks and back rooms so just keep your eyes peeled, that way the next time your chick is ready to get down to business, you’ll already have a list full of full options. To start list off here are a few options: On top of the Rex Stadium, Field House, and Library. Good luck making all those crazy memories.

Dear DLC, So I’m pretty much a broke college student.  Every night I keep having these sexual dreams about the USA women’s soccer team/women tennis players and I wake up with my sheets wet.  Now washing my sheets every day is just getting too expensive.   I’ve taken down all pictures of Serena and Venus (Hope Solo wasn’t getting the job done).  Yet I can’t get them out of my dreams!  Should I just stop washing my sheets, or just go on a one-week wash cycle?  I feel the money saved in laundry could buy me a new cowboy hat. Thanks!

VL:  Those quarters you’re putting into your laundry are certainly adding up.  I dare say you could have bought yourself a hat, some boots, and a lasso by now!  You could save a little money by sleeping with a condom or a nice pair of depends, whichever you feel is more comfortable.  Try having a little one-on-one time with your favorite ladies right before bed, say in a bathroom where cleanup’s easy, so that way you’re good and empty for the (dry) night ahead of you. These are quick fixes though.  If you’re having wet dreams, it’s probably because you are sexually frustrated.  I would start frequenting our own Adams State ladies’ soccer team or maybe find you a girl who enjoys a good game of tennis on the weekends. This way, Serena and Venus won’t haunt your dreams, because let’s face it, that’s downright scary.

CT: I can’t agree with my colleague anymore. You seriously have a problem with sexual frustration seeing as this is a nightly experience. Please invest in finding a lady friend to relieve yourself before you snooze. However if this not an option, I suggest hitting the men’s room with a soccer magazine and a bottle of Jergens.

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