ASC’s Dirty Little Column with the Delicious Doctors Love

Dr. Chocolate Thunder and Professor Vanilla Lightning are not real doctors or mental health professionals. Their advice should not be taken seriously.**

Dear DLC, One of my suitemates is a really slutty, jealous kind of girl. Every boy I like she pursues. It’s getting annoying, what do I do?

VL: To deal with a girl like this you need to stop down to her level. Send her on a false trail, or pick a few guys with some serious issues or attention deprived. Meanwhile, learn to keep your personal life on the DL. Just because your rooming together doesn’t mean you need to share everything

CT: I can’t agree with my colleague any more. Although living in such close quarters, it is nearly impossible to keep anything secretive, its best you try your hardest to keep your boys out of her business and grasp. Hang with them in their room rather than yours, and always be careful about name-dropping when you know she is listening, and most importantly steal some of her men too.

Dear DLC, Well I’ve been dating my man for the last three weeks. I finally went downstairs (sexually) and I was disappointed. I have heard that most Colorado boys are lacking in that department. My roommate claims that I should stick with east coast guys because they are naturally bigger. This has to be a lie right? Should I just stick to East Coast Boys?

CT: Alright, first of all this letter sounds entirely fake. It seems that some east coast boy is attempting to gain attention from our female readers. No, east coast boys are not naturally larger in the meat department. Believe me, I have a few buddies from Boston, and no they are not larger, in fact they are quite small. I can’t even begin to tell you how many calls I have about them being dumped due to their penis size.  My advice, stick to any boy except east coast boys.

VL: I don’t know what east coast guy is feeding your roommate this, but it’s completely false. The region your man is from has absolutely nothing to do with how much he is packing Colorado  guys can be just like any other boy, it’s all a matter of genetics.

Dear DLC, My gf likes to play music while we have sex, which would be okay with me, if it wasn’t for her choice of music. We’re talking Katy Perry, Adele, LMFAO, otherwise stuff no male would listen to. It does not inspire performance in bed. Help!

VL: Adele? Now that’s just strange. Try hijacking her iPod and adding some of your choices to her sex mix. If she says anything, just explain to her that two dudes in zebra print and afros isn’t exactly the image you want in your head while in bed.

CT: What you mean I’m the only one inspired to thrust even harder when I hear “I’m sexy and I know I know it”? Hmm weird.  I mean whatever floats your boat, just take a second to explain to your female that you require some different music to get in baby making mood; just don’t actually make any babies. Wrap it!


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