ASC’s Dirty Little Column with the Delicious Doctor Love

Dr. Chocolate Thunder is not real doctor or mental health professional. The doctor’s advice should not be taken seriously.**

Dear DLC, My girlfriend and her friend are planning a weekend trip to the Sand Dunes, and we’re all pretty excited. The problem is her friends are really hot, and I’m worried that watching them splash each other in their swimsuits will cause me to get an erection, what do I do?

CT: It’s best to have a multipronged approach: baggy swim trunks are a must, dips in cool water to shrink up your little guy, Jedi mind tricks (think about homework or work), and a be sure to have a preregistered excuse: It is best to tell your girlfriend you’re worried about an erection because you can’t stop thinking about how hot she looks in a swimsuit, do not, I repeat do not tell her your worried about an erection because of her hot friends.

Dear DLC, My boyfriend keeps bringing up his ex, all the time. Everything we do he somehow manages to work in a story of them or bring up her name. What’s my move here?

CT: You’re not his therapist or a bellhop for his baggage. You’re his girlfriend, and he’s the only person who can toss that extra weight overboard. Still, some people need a nudge; even though it’s driving you nuts, he might not be aware of his habit or how it affects you. Tell him he seems too distracted by his past relationship that he isn’t fully enjoying the present and that you want to see him focus on the girl in front of him. If he becomes defensive, or angry then maybe it’s time to find someone who actually likes to talk about you for a change.

Dear DLC, with summer coming up I decided to stay and work on my football training also me and my roommate who’s a girl decided to move to a bigger apartment. Were both excited, the problem is I’ve recently started having feelings for her, I’ve developed a pretty huge crush. When do I tell her?

CT: You can’t. Right now she believes that every time she passes you in the hall wearing nothing but a sports bra and booty shorts, you’re looking at her with the nonchalant affection of a brother. If you announce that you “have feelings,” she’ll realize that you have been mentally undressing her all along. She’ll feel deceived and violated. If you really think you’re head over heels for this woman, you should definitely tell her before moving to a new place and signing a new lease. Or at least have a move out plan in case things become awkward and unbearable. It will show that you care enough not to make her feel uncomfortable when she’s at home. Sound like way too much hassle? Then I’m guessing you’re not so infatuated after all.


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