Dr. Chocolate Thunder and Professor Vanilla Lightning are not real doctors or mental health professionals. Their advice should not be taken seriously.
Dear DLC, when I went home for the weekend, one night I had way too much to drink, and ended up hooking up with a guy I had just met that night. As if that wasn’t horrible enough, I ended up finding out from some mutual friends that he is married…with kids. I can’t shake the feeling that I’m an awful person and that this is my fault. How can I get over this incident?
VL: First off, while it is your fault that you drunkenly hooked up with a complete stranger, (I can only hope you were coherent enough to use protection-the last thing this guy needs is more kids running around) it is not your fault that he was cheating. If you were oblivious to the fact that he was happily wed, the blame rests on his shoulders. Now, I realize its hard being the mistress, especially if it’s unintentional, and for a while, I would use this depression to ponder the direction your life is going, but there is a bright side. From the sounds of your situation, Mr. Adulterer is not someone you see often, or even see at all. Personally, I would pretend that he doesn’t exist, and that your trip down extramarital affair alley never happened. Sure, bottling up this experience and the valuable lessons it could have taught you inside to eventually lash out in the form of accusing your own husband of cheating in the future, might not sound like the best advice, but the alternative is having to live with yourself being some random guy’s side dish that led to the downfall of his marriage and his children being scarred for life. Happy choosing!
CT: Wow that’s intense! First you have to lose the guilt, it’s not your fault. You had no idea he was unhappily eloped. He was the one cheating and I’m guessing this isn’t the first time he’s hooked up with a girl who’s not his wife. Poor thing she’s probably at home tucking the children in to bed all the while she’s at home thinking “I hope my husband is having fun playing cards with the guys.” This douche bag, has now probably screwed you up for life, you are going to forever question the men you get involved with in the future. This is a big deal, but the only way to get over the incident is time and revenge. I’m thinking you can pull a Snooki and JWow and write an anonymous letter.
Dear DLC, the girl I like says her ex bf is a stage-five clinger, and she is over him. However on her Facebook she keeps telling him that she can’t wait to see him over break, I’m so confused WTF?
CT: Dude, you’re straight up being played. Let me guess she is into you, but she isn’t ready for a relationship? And I bet she only talks to you in text message, and barley waves at you when you see her walking to class right? She just likes the attention you give her, but she isn’t genuinely interested in you. She knows that when she wants to feel desired and wanted she can send you a quick text and your more than eager to reply. My guess, and I’d put money on it, is that over the entire break she won’t even talk to you, because guess what? Ding Ding, she’ll be happily wrapped up in her ex’s arms. So this is what you do bro, you move on!! I’m talking going cold turkey stop all communication completely. This break will do you good and help you move on. Best of luck!
VL:I was under the impression that everyone knew that the first sign of someone not being over their ex, is talking to you, her supposed new squeeze, about her ex. I mean, come on. If she went out of his way to let you know how “clingy” he is, she is obviously trying to hide something. The fact that she isn’t even attempting to hide the fact that they’re still seeing each other on facebook, is frankly just sloppy. Bottom line is that if she is seeing this guy, and she doesn’t even care to take the time to hide that she’s still seeing this guy, you are obviously not priority number one. She is stringing you along and you are just following this girl like a lost puppy. Don’t be that guy. Man up and find a girl without sticky ex problems.
Dear DLC, I’m not over my ex boyfriend, and lately I’ve been talking to one of my good guy friends. He really likes me and I don’t want to break his heart or lose him as a friend but I still have feeling for my ex, what do I do?
VL: Not to sound unsympathetic, but you need to deal with this ex situation. Stat. Today. I’ve had just about enough of this “I still have feelings for him” crap. Either you go back to him, or move on with your life. (Preferably the latter, as I assume the two of you broke up for a reason besides “just for kicks.”) It really is just as simple as it sounds, its the annoying need college students who lead boring lives have, to needlessly make drama out of nothing for them to feel better about those boring lives that complicates matters. On the real, if you don’t solve the ex problem, its going to plague every potential relationship from here on out until you do. Maybe once you’ve taken your ex off the radar, you can give this new guy a chance. Until then, stop toying with his emotions.
CT: Whatever you do, don’t lead this poor boy on. Just because you’re wrapped up in your ex, doesn’t give you the right to hurt this other guy. The only advice I can give you is to get over your ex! Obviously it is going to be a factor in every potential relationship you have in the future, and you don’t want that. Until you move on from your ex, you’re going to compare every boy to them. Your also going to find small little flaws in all your new love interests.
To the person who is signing the DLC up for spam email: Your girlfriend wrote in. She told us about the first time you two had sex. About how she couldn’t stop laughing when she saw how little you were packing, and how it was the most unsatisfying experience she ever had the misfortune be a part of. The letter went in to far too much detail for us to publish, and we wouldn’t want to depress our readers with the specifics about how epically you fail at sex. Also, she’s cheating on you with your roommate. She said he’s huge and that have sex nearly ten times a day.
Merry Christmas from Professor Vanilla Lightning and Doctor Chocolate Thunder!