Dr. Chocolate Thunder is not real doctor or mental health professional. The doctor’s advice should not be taken seriously.**
Hello my dearest readers, and welcome back to the Spring Semester. I hope your break was full of fun excitement and you’ll have some relationship, and sex questions to share. It is sad for me to inform all of you that my beloved colleague Professor Vanilla Lighting will no longer be writing with me, but I hope to entertain and advise you none the less. We will all miss my coworker very much especially me, someone who could never be replaced. However, let’s take a crack and solving some of your issues.
Recently, I have been hearing about the men around campus complaining about wanting to find steady girlfriends, meaningful relationships and blah blah blah. Why you would even want to be committed in college is beyond me. Most say I suffer from Peter Pan Syndrome and fear commitment, in my defense college is the best time of your life to let your hair down, get a little wild and stay away from the drama and hassle of a relationship. But for you all of those desperate losers trying to jump on the relationship train here are some tips for you.
1. Stop being yourself. You probably don’t have a hot girlfriend because yourself sucks. If you are reading this article for advice, you probably have never had a hot girlfriend so do as I advise because it’s the only way to land a banging girlfriend. Solution: Do an Obama and change!
2. Stop being poor. If you are rich, you can get any girl you want…seriously…I mean have you ever seen or heard of sugardaddy.com or seen Hugh Hefner. You buy women. Not all women can be bought (but most of them can), but let’s not get too picky and worry about brains, and personality let’s just work on getting you one hot girlfriend to start with.
3. Stop having a small package. If you have a small penis a girl is going to have sex with you and not feel anything, like a pencil in a pickle jar, ya know? That is if you can even convince her to have sex with you in the first place. Stop having a small penis right now! Wishful thinking is all you’ve got here. You gotta think real hard though. Go!
4. Stop being skinny/fat/nerdy. All of these can be fixed with enough protein and weight lifting. Go chug down on a pound of muscle milk and do 1,000 push-ups. Maybe then you will be too tired to care that you do not have a hot girlfriend.
5. Stop being nice. College girls (at least the hot ones) hate nice men. Treat them like crap and they will keep coming back. This is a guarantee, act like the biggest douche ever. Forget special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries, and refuse to meet her parents as well as PDA.
Hope these tips are helpful for all you desperate college men. Please feel free to send all your questions (especially your sex ones) to firstname.lastname@example.org
Sincerely, Dr. Chocolate Thunder
**Disclaimer: Any comments made on the Paw Print’s web site are not anonymous. Due to this, any comments are being directed to DirtyLittleColumn@gmail.com.