Richard Flamm
The Paw Print
Sure it sounds like a given: it’s the opening line to every relational self-help book, and first on the lips of counselors – communication is key. But, anyone who’s been in a relationship will note the tendency to avoid unhindered forthrightness. Questions like, “do you think she’s pretty?” or “do I look good in this shirt?” have expected responses – the truth is not always being asked for.
However, honesty goes a long way, as lovers need to share hopes, desires, and struggles. It’s an odd tension, and not one only felt in long-term relationships. From the opening stages of dating, we are encouraged to communicate through a tiny filtered hole of expectation. If dinner costs a little more than expected it’s a buzz kill to mention it. If you admit you have feelings too soon, you may just find yourself un-friended on Facebook. If he wears a bit too much cologne, not mentioning it will make a second date more likely. If she texts during a date does the guy bring it up or let it slide? We filter our emotions because it is expected of us from the get-go.
This changes though, as there is a tendency to drop boundaries once we are in a relationship and set a new standard of communicative honesty. The merit of this is in question.
Is it best to tell your partner if you are having a particularly hard day because you are hung up thinking about your ex? If your lover puts on weight and it bothers you, should you tell them? Or do we “accept” them as they are? That, “I love you,” when said in a serious commitment creates a space of safety. If one is in a horrible gamma-radiation related accident and is left with 6 fingers, there is a hope that the other lover will understand (and possibly knit special 6 fingered gloves around Christmastime).
In all seriousness though, when do we share too much? Sometimes, it seems like being honest is asking for a fight. When your lover asks, “What’s the matter?” after a peck on the lips you don’t say, “You’re half the kisser my ex was.” However, remaining silent may leave the individual feeling like their own needs are not being met. Sometimes being kissed that little bit harder or softer makes all the difference in the world.
Sometimes, admitting the need for space or the need for intimacy is crucial. These are times when the relationship can suffer due to lack of communication. So where comes this danger to over-communicate?
Perhaps, the answer lies in not viewing communication as a dichotomy between too much and not enough. The way in which we communicate is as important as the what. If your partner has crazy dandruff, maybe the most direct route is best: “You’re hair looks like death.” Other more complex issues, like missing an ex or questioning the relationship entirely, needs to be brought up in a way that employs compassion and creativity. Phrasing is key. The difference between, “I need some alone time to recuperate,” and “We spend way too much time together,” is profound.
What’s Been Said…