Alison Bischoff
The Paw Print
Once a couple becomes comfortable with each other, their time together evolves and becomes something different. Pictures are being taken, inside jokes are being formed, and, in some cases, weddings are being planned. As for me, I’m a little different from most girls, however.
Instead of taking adorable selfies with the boyfriend to post all over the Internet, I like to take hideous ones. Instead of making funny inside jokes, I create my own language for the BF to decode. While some talk of weddings, I test my limits every day with obnoxious items the boyfriend has to buy for me if we make it far enough in life.
The year is 2014, and the month is March. My mission: convince the boyfriend to purchase a hedgehog for me. These spiky, adorable creatures have been on my mind for a while, and I’ve finally come up with some specially devised steps to accomplish my mission. Step one: smother the subject with adorable pictures and girly high-pitched squeals. Step two: show him hundreds of YouTube videos to make sure he knows how cute they are. And finally, step three: kill him with begging.
The first step in this mission is quite simple. Wait until the boyfriend has found a comfortable spot on the couch and his favorite television show, and then sneakily pull out a laptop or phone and type “hedgehog” into the Google search engine. Click images, then pounce into his lap! Show the subject every picture that’s even remotely cute, and make sure the boyfriend sees every one. Let a sharp, high-pitched squeal out every once in a while to raise his annoyance level. After forty pictures or more of every type of hedgehog imaginable, the subject will unwillingly say he will think about it, in order to make the flow of pictures and squeals stop. Step one is complete; the boyfriend’s annoyance level is up and a promise is made to think about it. He has just made a big mistake, but the boyfriend does not yet know that.
Step two requires a little more work than step one because the subject has to be placed into a position that is not easily escapable, so the boyfriend will be forced to stay. Wait until the boyfriend has been doing homework for a while, and convince him to take a study break and watch a “video.” The subject is unaware at this time that the video does indeed involve hedgehogs, and comes willingly to watch. The boyfriend needs to be forced into a laying down position, so his escape chances will be slim to none. After making him watch one video, the cycle of watching every video that even remotely has to do with hedgehogs will begin, leaving the subject trapped. After an hour or so of watching non-stop hedgehog videos, the boyfriend’s mood should be annoyed enough that the only escape he can see is by agreeing to the purchase of a hedgehog, and step two is now complete.
Even though a hedgehog has already been promised, there is no way of actually knowing whether or not this promise will be kept. The only way to ensure the purchase of a hedgehog is by whining, begging, pleading, and fake crying. This will almost definitely play with the boyfriend’s emotions and manipulate his conscience into saying a definite yes. If, for some reason, the boyfriend is proving to be more stubborn than expected, pull out the “fine, I’ll just go buy myself one” line. This almost always plays with the boyfriend’s mind and drowns him in the feeling of guilt. This, inevitably, drives the boyfriend crazy and leaves him no choice but to drive to the closest exotic pet store to buy the most precious hedgehog anyone has ever laid eyes on.
Mission accomplished! Sometimes these steps need to be spaced out a little more to ensure emotional buildup. Puppy dog eyes, tantrums, and ultimatums also prove to be very effective when trying to get the boyfriend to cave.
All one needs to remember, however, is to show plenty of pictures, videos, and beg as much as possible. In the end, the happy girlfriend gets exactly what she has been wanting, and the boyfriend is free to lounge about and relax… that is, until the girlfriend discovers Tea Cup Pigs.
What’s Been Said…