Dr. Chocolate Thunder and Professor Vanilla Lightning are not real doctors or mental health professionals. Their advice should not be taken seriously.**
This week, as a little added bonus, the DLC has a guest writer. Our esteemed colleague, Caramel Rain, Ph.D. has decided to take a whack at solving all your post-pubescent colligate love and sex problems.
Dear DLC, A few weeks ago, I got really drunk with my best male friend. He confessed that he was attracted to me, and we ended up having sex. Now he is claiming that he was wasted and doesn’t remember what he said, and he’s been avoiding me. I just want things to go back to normal. What do you think I should do?
VL: I wish I had better news for you, but darlin’, you done ‘effed up. While this boy admitted to being attracted to you, those are feelings the two of you shouldn’t have acted upon. If you didn’t want to “ruin the friendship,” as they say, you should have shown a bit more self-restraint. Things will never be exactly the same as they were, you can salvage some sort of a friendly acquaintance out of this if you have “the talk” (I’m referring of course to the, “We hooked up, it happened, let’s be cool about it because let’s face it, we were both drunk and it wasn’t all that good anyway” talk.) You might experience a period of severe awkwardness, and I wouldn’t hold your breath waiting for the two of you to resume your “best friend” status.
CT: God invented the “I don’t remember cause I was drunk” excuse so that people can go about their relationships normal without having to deal with romance and feelings and all that crap that comes with it. So if your expecting a “I slept with my best friend while I was drunk, there must be some unresolved feeling of true love” snap out of it! You’re not living in a romantic comedy. Your not Reese Witherspoon, and he isn’t all of a sudden going to stop avoiding the situation to some up on a white horse and confess his love in song. He’s acting like a jerk, play hard right back. Why are you even still trying to be friends with this douche? Never-mind. Just pretend you don’t remember.
CR: *Clapping / tipping my hat to your best guy friend* I’ve got to respect any guy who can pull a move like getting in the friend zone and KAABLAMO (I’m big on catch phrases) finding a way to still get it in. Listen honey, sorry to break your heart, but everyone knows a girl you’re friends with is just someone you haven’t been able to sleep with yet. Seriously they bring nothing else to the table. They aren’t funny, don’t know sports, they’re horrible at video games and really the only point of having them around is the potential to hopefully hookup with them, or their friends. But let’s forget about that for a second. You’re looking for a new guy friend? Send me an email I’d be happy to fill the void, maybe we can grab a couple drinks?
Dear DLC, My girlfriend has one male friend. They are really close, they hang out by themselves, she never asks me to join them, and oh yeah, he’s a star athlete. Is she going to cheat on me with him?
CT: Ahh, the age-old question: Can a man and women be friends if one of them finds the other attractive? As a person with a few ridiculously hot friends myself I’ll admit, I’ve definitely thought about crossing the friendship line. The hotter the friend, the greater the temptation. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to sexually attack some of my friends when were hanging out. So yes the temptation is something that crosses her mind at least six maybe seven times a day. That doesn’t necessarily mean she’s cheating, but it doesn’t mean she isn’t either. There are lots of reasons she doesn’t invite you to their bonding time, maybe she asks him questions you can’t answer, like maybe your relationship, or maybe she’s riding him like a stallion. My guess is go with your gut and get this thing sorted out before you’re on Maury wondering if you’re the father or not
VL: She is so cheating on you. I can tell this, not from the details you provided, but from the fact that you took the time to write out this letter. Obviously, their relationship is close enough to where its bothering you, you’re paranoid enough to ask for outside help, and you’re not close enough to your girlfriend to have an honest dialog about her “friend.” Plus, athletes have boundary issues and overactive sex drives.
CR: Come on man! Listen playboy, you’ve come to the right person. Sorry to break the news, but your girl’s cheating. I don’t care if her guy friend is an NBA prospect, or Captain of the Sci-Fi Club. Something is going down. So I’m my advice. Stay with her, and build up that farm system of prospects. Guys are much more desirable when they have a girlfriend. It’s science. You never want to be that desperate single guy hitting on everything. So work the field, don’t ask her questions, and don’t have her suspect you of any new girls. The week before Christmas, when she’s already bought you a gift BOOM give her the boot, call her out for cheating, and now you’ve got new prospects and more money in the wallet. Feel free to donate the money you’ve saved to the DLC office.
As always, keep your questions coming, and while you’re at it, let us know how our guest writer fared this week. We do ask that all your criticism remains constructive, and your acclamations remain extensive.
**Disclaimer: Any comments made on the Paw Print’s web site are not anonymous. Due to this, any comments are being directed to DirtyLittleColumn@gmail.com.
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