Dr. Chocolate Thunder and Professor Vanilla Lightning are not real doctors or mental health professionals. Their advice should not be taken seriously.
Dear DLC, I think I am addicted to sex. Even for a college sophomore, I think my sexual cravings are too much. I am currently in a relationship, but my girlfriend and I hardly ever have sex. The urge to cheat is always there, and I can’t take it anymore.
VL: First of all, you are a college sophomore, so its completely normal for your manhood to be controlling your thoughts and actions right now, don’t go thinking you’re all special and have a ‘sex addiction.’ If you need an excuse to cheat, think of something a little more creative than that. Right now, I would stay with your girlfriend, because while “hardly ever have sex” isn’t the best situation its better than no sex at all, which is what you have in store for you when you leave this girl.
CT: Seeing as you haven’t actually cheated yet, I’d say you’re not as “sexually starved” as you think. I mean you’re a college sophomore, so I’m assuming you should be having more sex. Is there is an attraction problem? Or a problem in the relationship that is causing you two to hardly ever have sex. Stick with your girl, talk it out, I bet she’s dying to get in the sack as well.
Dear DLC, I have stage-10 clinger on my hands. This girl is literally insane. It started off with small things, she would Facebook stalk me, call me excessively, and freak out when I didn’t text her back. But now it’s gotten to the point where I want to change schools. She calls me her boyfriend, even when I’m seeing another girl, and she even scheduled a tattoo appointment to get a tattoo to match mine. What do I do to get rid of this girl?
CT: The best way, is to do something that will make her cry and hate you. Once you get her to a level where she hates you enough she’ll avoid you like the black plague! The issue is you’ve been one of those “nice guys” and because of that she’s holding out hope that the two of you will run away together on a white horse into the sunset and have the fairy tale ending. So unless you want this girl to stalk forever you need to crush her immediately. You have to be a total and complete jerk don’t sugar coat this stuff either, you have to slap her down hard like the fist of Clint Eastwood.
VL: We toss around words like “stage-10 clinger” all the time, but in this case, I am legitimately concerned for your safety. There is really no reasoning with this type of girl. While some people might still have faith in humanity and believe that this girl can be talked to, these people are sadly delusional. My advice: get a restraining order. Skip town. Come up with a brand new identity. Fake your own death. This is the only way to rid yourself of this stalker.
Dear DLC, I broke up with my ex about a month and a half ago. It was a nasty breakup and we didn’t stay on good terms. While we were still together, I used to send him some racy photos when he asked me to. Anyway, last week I went out to the Pig, and what do you know he was there. I decided to make him jealous by dancing with any guy in sight. The last couple of days, I have been getting strange looks from his friend, when I confronted one of them, I found out he distributed those pics I sent him. I don’t know what to do or if there is anything I can do, please help!
VL: First off, this goes to all females; don’t send naked pictures of yourself to guys, especially douchebags who will turn on you in a second. Yes, I realize that you believe there’s no problem because you two will be together forever, or that “he’s not that type of guy” but trust me ladies, he is. There’s really nothing you can do about your situation, what’s done is done. You can learn from your giant mistake and warn other misguided souls around campus. You can be the poster child for an anti-sexting campaign, but those pics are out, and Pandora most definitely does not go back into the box.
CT: I don’t know how to say this any nicer, you f**cked up and bad! Basically every single one of his friends, the basketball team, and even the guy who sits beside you in Music Appreciation saw it. The only way to live this down is hope that nude pictures of the head cheerleader are leaked some time in the very near future. It’s going to take time to let this whole thing pass. So I hope you can learn from this mistake, and please stop sending out naughty pics, and dancing like a stripper at The Pig for the time being.
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