Dr. Chocolate Thunder and Professor Vanilla Lightning are not real doctors or mental health professionals. Their advice should not be taken seriously.
Dear DLC, I’ve been seeing this guy for a few weeks. It seems like every time we get together, we always get drunk. We’ve hooked up, and the drinking never really bothered me. However, lately I’ve been thinking that it’s not that he likes drinking with me, but that he only likes me when he’s drinking. Not only would this be a major blow to my self-esteem, but also it’s a touchy thing to bring up, please help!
VL: Wake up. Either you’re seeing a major alcoholic, and that is a whole other basket full of problems, or you’re exactly right with this little theory of yours. Tell me this: does he drink like this when you’re not around? If so, then you’re relationship is on the right track! Granted, it’s a track that takes a few detours down drunken fight ally, and you might lose your liver along the way, but at least it’s not you that drives him to drink. If not, then get out before he can find someone whose company he enjoys even while sober.
CT: Have you tried taking alcohol out of the picture? Try doing something that alcohol can’t be a part of. That will be the best way to see if he actually likes you or you actually like him. If it turns out you hate each other, it’s better you find out now.
Dear DLC, I’m major crushing on an older guy; he’s a grad student. Do I stand a chance or is the age gap to much?
VL: You don’t stand a chance in hell. How do I know this? You just used the phrase “major crushing on,” are writing to a newspaper advice column asking this question, and you used the wrong form of the word “to.” From two sentences I was able to deduct your immaturity, it is only TOO obvious that this guy is out of your league. I mean, not to put grad students on a pedestal, (trust me, I’ve met a couple you’d be perfect for) but most of them are finishing up school, getting into a career path, and looking for wife material. Why as a young college female are you interested in that anyway? Enjoy your youth while you can, and find someone more suited for you to do that.
CT: Age is nothing but a number, I mean look at Hugh Heffner. The reality is that the age factor will play a major role. Since he’s older he’s probably past the whole “black-out party stage” so remember that if you decide to date him, your Saturday nights will change drastically. He’s probably mature as well, so drop your whole ditzy flirt routine, and be sure you can carry a deep conversation with the dude. I say give it a go; if not, there are plenty more fish in the sea.
Dear DLC, I think I’m gay. I catch myself checking other guys and often have very visual daydreams. What do I do?
CT: You’re in college, a perfect time to discover who you are and what you like. Don’t be afraid to see the options out there and be curious. Try it out, maybe its something you’ll really like or curiosity. Good Luck!
VL: You’re gay. Like seriously dude, you’re 100%, fully-fledged, genuine to the core, homosexual. Embrace it. Own it. Now get out there and be gay, and do all those things that gay males do with their lives, you homosexual little you!
Dear DLC, I broke up with my longtime girlfriend in December. I’ll admit I was a little harsh but she doesn’t get it through her head that I’m done, and moved on. She texts me constantly and tells everyone our whole relationship history, now do I get her to stop and let it go already?
CT: My advice to you is changing your phone number pronto. Delete her and block her from your facebook. You’re dealing with a stage five clinger, you need to be harsh. Let her know you’re done with her. Date other girls, go out to parties, eventually she’ll get the hint. If not, file a restraining order. Don’t talk to her at all, if not she’ll think you still have a chance.
VL: You need to act like none of this fazes you. The thing is, with a girl like this (a crazy one, to be clear) showing any emotion at all, even hate, disgust, loathe, etc. is only going to prompt her from being stalker of the year to crazy ex that wants your cajones in a pickle jar on her nightstand. Whereas acting like she’s not even a blip on your radar (my crazy ex who?) is going to be infinitely more painful to her. Don’t go out of your way to hook up with girls, as that will elicit revenge. Ignore any communication and live as if this girl doesn’t exist and eventually she won’t. (Metaphorically speaking, of course.)